Sunday August 15, 2010

This is one of those days that will be burned into my memory forever.  I've had some special experiences in my life but many of them pale in comparison to this one.  We all met back at Lonnie's on Sunday morning to say our good-bye's.  This is always the hardest part for me and I dread it.  This journey is such an emotional roller coaster for me. I am a lover of peace and happiness.  I hate sadness and being sad therefore, I try to look for only happiness in my life.  I admit that I want the easy road paved in chocolate that has rainbows and unicorns but at the same time, I realize that this life is meant to be a very important test.  I realize I am failing miserably at learning and growing in times of heartache and sorrow.  Let's face it, I am not a good test taker!  I also, don't like roller coasters anymore and I don't want to ride them. Especially when there is nothing I can do to stop the ride from taking the turbulent turns and down hill swoops.

Even though I am a nurse and I have seen people die, this experience of watching my brother slowly die has changed me forever.  I simply can't wrap my brain around it.  I don't want to lose my big brother!  I have always wondered if it would be better to die quickly or to have time to say good-bye.  Now after watching my big strong brother waste away to almost nothing, I say it has been much worse to watch him suffer than it was to quickly say good-bye to my mom only 10 years ago. The pain is still there either way, its just the anticipation of the pain that makes it feel much worse to me. Kind of like salt being poured into a wound over and over.

As we were saying our emotional good-byes Sunday afternoon, two Priests from the ward knocked on the door.  They were there to offer my brother the sacrament.  We've been there several times when they have come but this time it was different.  We brought them to Lonnie's bedside and we helped these two awkward teenagers prepare to bless the sacrament while all of our scrutinizing eyes were upon them.  We were kind of joking with them at first to lighten the mood but after they started the sacrament prayer, the mood quickly changed and you could have heard a pin drop. There was not a dry eye in the house.  Taking the sacrament is such a simple thing and most of us are guilty of sometimes taking this important covenant for granted. This time it brought me to my knees as I thought of my Savior Jesus Christ and the trials he had to endure.  I've never felt the spirit testify to me this strong before.  I knew at that exact moment that our Savior hears our prayers and he has felt the same pain that we feel.  He knows us and he loves each of us.

Afterwards, the entire family was left speechless. Not a word was spoken but the tears just kept coming. It seemed only fitting for my dad and Wyatt to give Lonnie a blessing at this time.  My dear sweet dad lovingly choked back his tears as he blessed his oldest son with the peace and comfort he will need to make it through his remaining days on this earth. It was a beautiful, peaceful blessing.  After they were done Wyatt & Tasha decided it also felt right to bless and name baby Danger so Lonnie could participate. It was an incredible day and an awesome bonding experience for my family which made it even harder to say good-bye. No one wanted the feeling to end. It is at times like this that I realize there really is a rainbow peeking from behind those dark, dreary clouds and everything will be okay.

Someone decided to grab the camera so we would never forget this moment.
We all have tear stained cheeks and we are dressed in our driving home clothes
a far cry from our Sunday best.